What's killing you now?

[Written for my school paper, The Stand]

I have terrific news! No… wait. That’s not right. What’s the opposite of terrific? Oh that’s right, terrible. I have terrible news! We’re all doomed; every one of us! You’re doomed, your puppy is doomed, your siblings are doomed, and your auntie is doomed. Fear for the future, my friends.

 

The last time Yellowstone Supervolcano in Wyoming erupted, it wiped out an entire mountain range. That is absolutely terrifying. Granted, that was 640 000 years ago, but the Yellowstone Caldera is by no means dead. It is only a matter of time until it goes boom again. The last Yellowstone eruption pumped more than 240 cubic miles of dust and rock out into the atmosphere and spewed out eight thousand times more ash and lava than the St. Helens eruption in 1980. The effects of that, at least on humans, would be totally unprecedented. In other words: we are done for.

 

You could say, “that was so long ago. [Older than your grandma. Woah.] Surely there can’t be any chance of it blowing its top again?” Well, smartypants, we do not know whether it will erupt in the same way again, but we do know that the Caldera is swelling. The ground in the area has risen more than a meter over the last century. It has been moving about seven centimetres per year. On a geologic timescale, that is wicked fast. We may not know whether or not it’ll blow, but we do know there isn’t any reason it won’t.

 

A volcanic eruption is not the only hazard Yellowstone offers us. No, there is more. Most people are familiar with Old Faithful, Yellowstone’s most famous geyser, but not many of these people spend too much time thinking about what makes it tick. Well, guess what? It is going to kill you. Well, maybe not you, specifically, but it’s going to cause mass devastation and mayhem. Pockets of the water system under Yellowstone can sometimes boil to the point where they create massive explosions that hurl water and rock thousands of feet.

 

Really though, if a massive hydrothermal explosion happened in the middle of Yellowstone, unless you happened to be there on vacation, you’d be unlikely to be affected by it. A volcanic eruption, on the other hand, could wipe out the entire human race if it happened to be large enough. We live fairly near the Yellowstone Caldera (well, on the same continent) and are therefore more likely to die than, say, someone over in Tibet. An eruption would kill at least a few million US citizens. There is no way that wouldn’t impact the economy. Another Great Depression, here we come!

 

Well, now you know. Does that help you prepare for the coming apocalypse? Not at all. Have fun thinking about the end of the world. Now I’m heading back to my bunker built a mile under my back yard to review my survival plans for when the zombies come. 

Pretentiousness and how it has completely lost its meaning

Pretentiousness is something that we have become increasingly occupied with in the circles that I live in. We do not like pretentiousness; putting on an act to seem more 'cultured' or smarter than you really are is something that we turn our noses up at (some are arguably elitist about their lack of pretentiousness). This is all well and good. I tend to dislike people who act as if they are 'all that and more'. That's what pretentiousness is. It's pretense. It's when you put on a face that isn't your own to try and impress others. 

The problem is that it has become something of a witch hunt. I know it is not limited solely to my group of friends, either. I know quite a few people who go out of their way to point out what they think is pretentious and talk about how much they hate pretentious people (which is, in its own way, pretentious). Admittedly, people who act totally ostentatious can drive me up the wall, but the problem is now this obsession with pretentiousness is doing something rather more than just what it appears to be on the surface. 

The word is used to describe things that have only the barest connections to pretentiousness. In everyday language, it's not much more than a generic insult used on anything that seems smart. It has all but lost its meaning. It's become a buzz word, something that everybody uses to the point where it becomes meaningless jargon. It's disgusting to see it bandied about, especially with regards to things that are genuinely good. It may be empty, but it can destroy reputations and be used to humiliate the best of us.

Let me return to yesterday's post about language. The entire point of the post was to encourage people to explore their language, to play with it, and to reform it into new and wonderful things. This kind of thing is quashed by people who decide that any sort of poetic way of speaking is nothing other than pretentious. Wordplay is almost never seen as a good thing. People who let their language hang loosely about their tongue are heavily discouraged. Being called pretentious seems to be a real threat, one that people go out of their way to avoid. So now we don't hear people being creative with their language. Clichés appear everywhere. Sameness is encouraged, difference is not. Stagnancy results.

It is not only limited to language. It seems to have been decided that people only enjoy certain art forms in order to impress others. Classical music is an example of this, as is poetry. Apparently we cannot like these things simply for the sake of liking them. No, any sort of art form is not only intelligent but also appears that way is black listed. Not only does this alienate the majority of people from these things, it also dissuades people who could become great masters from ever pursuing their skill. 

Now, keep in mind that pretentious is not the only name we give this concept. Most names are more obviously slang, though I would argue that pretentious has started to drift away from its intended meaning and may in fact be becoming slang itself. It doesn't matter what you call it. What matters is the effect. 

To sum up: It's not bloody pretentious if they're telling the bloody truth. Stop moaning. It will make everyone happier.

Pedantic, I?

Because I don't think it warrants an entire post for itself, this is also my obligatory "welcome to my new blog" post. So, there you go. Hello everyone, this blog is new and it is mine. Welcome.

I am one of those extremely annoying people who is in love with language. I have had a love affair with language since I was young (which really wasn't that long ago by most people's standards). I love to play with words, to put them in new and unforseen combinations, to twist their meanings ever so slightly to create an exciting image that I have never experienced before. I love to see the same done by other people. The rhythm of words can be an extremely beautiful thing in the right hands. How something that seems to be so ineffably basic to the point of simplicity can be used in such incredible ways is staggering. Obscure words I use sometimes purely for aesthetic reasons.

 

I am aware that is is a North American custom to use the word "love" when what is really meant is "like." I feel the need to point out that I do not mean "love" in this way. It is difficult to express such a love and it is ironic that I should struggle so much to find the words to describe my love for them.

But here is where I reach my point beyond just gushing. I have become incredibly pedantic about the grammar that people use. I have become strangely literal about certain words, such as unique, yet at the same time throw around words like "awesome" with their slang definition. What I have been doing is called linguistic martyrdom in some circles and it is a very bad thing.

What does it matter if someone does not know the difference between less and fewer, so long as the meaning of what they are saying is clear? There are people who say that by being so pedanatic about the strucure of language they are helping to preserve its clarity. This argument is quite ridiculous. Of course there are instances where a grammatical mistake can lead to a lack of clarity in a statement, but outside of those there is no real point in correcting errors. In fact, I am not sure I would go so far as to call many instances of incorrect grammar "errors." What is correct grammar? It's not even a clear-cut thing, as you may think. Yes, there are some instances where there is an obvious right and an obvious wrong (as is the case in the choice between using the word "who" and using the word "whom") but not all words have universally agreed upon definitions (irony, for instance). 

This kind of anal retentiveness about grammar is getting in the way of the joy of language. Instead of trying to keep language at the same place it is now, or in fact bring it backwards (as many people believe that language is actually deteriorating), be creative about the way you speak. Language is an ever-evolving beast. Evolution does not have goals. There is no "better" or "worse" form of evolution. If a mutation (or in this case, a new word or phrase) does not work well, then it dies (or stops being used). Whether the words you speak fit into "proper" grammar or not is absolutely meaningless.

To me, what matters is the beauty inherent in language, a beauty that is more pronounced in surprising or odd combinations of words. Instead of using a cliché, reach for a word you don't normally hear in everyday speech. Think of new ways to say old phrases. Shift the way you speak ever so slightly from the norm. Listen to the patterns your words form. Listen to their rhythms. Change them as you see fit. Reach for the beauty in your words. Don't settle for anything less.